My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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