one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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