Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
