My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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