I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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