i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
