Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
