i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
