We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
