Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
