Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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