So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
