How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
