If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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