I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
