I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
