this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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