That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize