Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
