I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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