we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
