I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
