The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
