Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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