She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
