She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
