You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
