So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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