Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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