Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
we're so committed to being not committed
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