the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
