You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think my moral compass just broke
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