Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
