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I looked at my own cervix.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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