everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
