Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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