i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
