Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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