worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
