Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
