who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We just shotgunned beers for America
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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