do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
