so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize