So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
