I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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