Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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