He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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