is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize