Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
