Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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