he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
