Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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