Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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