I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
