accomplished twins. life is a go
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
