A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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