I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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