I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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