so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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