dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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