It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
