new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
